The Reality of Acceptance
by aserene
Summary: Sometimes you have to look at the reality and accept it.


**Title: The Reality of Acceptance**

**Rating:**

**Disclaimer: NCIS belongs to someone with more money than me. **

**Spoilers: "Dog Tags," "Judgment Day"**

**Summary: Jenny faces her reality. **

_**Sometimes you have to look at the reality in front of you and accept it.

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Jennifer Shepard stood in front of the apartment door, the key ring with the various keys resting in her palm. This was to be her first stop of the evening which would culminate in her flying to LA for the funeral of a colleague and to her own Judgment. Things had an interesting way of playing out. Just two weeks she stood in the lab of a woman she looked upon as a daughter and saw what made her believe that what she was doing was right. It had been Abigail Scuito who had given her the courage to do what she was going to do, to stick to her beliefs. She wasn't sure Abby would appreciate learning that though. She inserted the key in the lock and turned it, silence. It was unusual for her to enter this apartment and find no noise. The few times she'd been it there was always energy flowing through it and the bouncy Goth she had grown to care for.

"Abby?" She called softly. Nothing. She was glad there was no answer it made what she was about to do easier. She entered into the darkened bedroom and found the loveable Goth in her coffin. She smiled the way only someone who understood the Goth could. Abby was curled up with Bert her loveable farting hippo, her blankets all messed up. Jenny carefully pulled the blankets back around her, tucking her in. "Goodbye Abby, take care of him," she whispered before turning and leaving. She locked the door behind her and retreated back down the stairs and out the building. Waiting on the darkened street was her car with her usual detail. She would meet Ziva and Tony at the airport midmorning. At the moment she hoped they were sound asleep in their beds, if they happened to be sharing a bed, more power to them.

"Director I really think..."

"Not now Matt, next stop."

"Yes, Director." She got in the car and watched the scenery as they pulled up to a manageable apartment building, close to a jogging park. She entered the building using another key and walked up to the top floor and the corner apartment. She entered the door slowly knowing that Ziva might actually detect this. She had a plan if Ziva happened to wake up but she was hoping her friend wouldn't. She entered the modestly decorated apartment and found the bedroom door cracked open. If Ziva had been with someone she would have closed it.

"Ziva?" She whispered. No answer except the turn of a body, no doubt closer to the gun stored under the pillow. Jenny sat herself gently down and Ziva if sensing her presence moved closer to her friend. Jenny carefully ran her fingers through her friends hair watching her sleep peacefully. "Stay out of trouble my friend," she began gently. "You take care of Tony, I think he might be a keeper," she added with a soft kiss to her friend's forehead. "I'll settle our debt."

She stood as Ziva seemed to stir some more and carefully made her way out of the apartment. She locked the door and the bolts and returned to the staircase to wait and see if she'd been discovered. There was no noise, so she guessed she'd gotten away with it. She returned to the car grateful that Matt simply opened the door and closed it. She gave the next direction and the car sped off. The following scenery made Jenny smile for the first time in a while, it was very fancy, and she knew very well off people lived in the area. It had always amused her that Tony lived in the neighborhood. She had always pegged him as the type who didn't like the money but she knew it was because this apartment was something Gibbs had suggested and if Gibbs said it was okay than his loyal St. Bernard could only follow along.

"Director..." Matt began again.

"Only a few more stops, the next one we don't even have to drive to."

"Very well Director." Jenny smiled at his hesitancy. He didn't like that she'd wanted to leave that house at two thirty in the morning to go see some people. He would never ask what she was doing, he knew better, but still_, it is early._ Jenny adjusted her coat and continued into the fancy apartment. She'd been there once, to check on him after Gibbs had left for Mexico, and she'd never gone back. She double checked on the roster and went toward the door. She opened it easily with another key on her chain and entered. In contrast to Ziva having her bag right by the door with her coat resting on top, Jenny could see the clothes sprawled over the couch in the living room, the bag resting on the coffee table and the trail of shoes to the bedroom door. Surprisingly she found her quarry curled up on the couch with the Screen of a James Bond DVD on the TV. _Oh Tony_, she sighed amused.

"Tony,"she said gently not wanting to startle him. There was nothing. She moved slightly closer, he was there lying sound asleep with a picture of him and Ziva sitting next to him. "You've got it bad," she sighed aloud. "One day you're going to learn that Gibbs made up rule 12 to protect himself, because once a young agent and he had an affair. They loved each other, but she left, and you know how Gibbs is like. Don't be like us, Tony. You're like Gibbs, but you don't have to be him." She stood. "And clean up your room," she added as afterthought nearly tripping over a pair of running sneakers. There was a loud snore followed by his mumbling.

"Yes, Mom." She froze and waited in case he moved again, but there was nothing.

"Good night Tony." She retreated to the hallway, locking the door behind her. Her hand rested on the handle a moment longer. "You'll be all right." She turned back toward the entrance and found Matt waiting by the car still.

"Next?"

"It's just a little walk from here."

"I would prefer if you got in the car Director, it's late."

"Matt...."

"I could call Agent Gibbs."

"You would," she snorted knowing her security detail had found her weakness. Ever since she slipped them in France, they'd threaten her with calling Gibbs. It was mainly for her own sanity that she gave in. She got in the car reluctantly and Matt tried to hide the tiniest smile. He did love his job, she maybe the most independent woman in the world and thus a nightmare to look after but she at least had a sense of humor. He would have accompanied her to LA but his fiances parents were coming into town and Jenny had understood his fiance wanting him there better than he did. The next building they approached was a newer building that held huge apartments. He'd been there once before when he'd accompanied Agent McGee home.

"Director?"

"I'll be just a moment," she assured getting out on her own and walking up to the marble entryway._ By day a federal agent, by night a world famous author_, _Tim you have the best of both worlds_. She entered the apartment quietly not at all surprised to find the lights on. She knew McGee had a deadline coming up, he had asked to be taken off a weekend duty for a book publication party. She hoped the new book would have less Colonel Lamb, and had told the younger man as much before wishing him luck. She found McGee on the lower level hunched over his type writer, sound asleep. "Tim?" He stirred but settled and she smiled at the pile of paper balls at his feet. "You can't burn the candle at both ends Tim, believe me, I've tried. Don't worry, it'll come to you and I'm sure the book will be as big a success if not more," she encouraged quietly. "We never got to know each other very well, I'm sorry for that now, Abby always speaks so highly of you, and Ziva too. I know sometimes you wonder if Gibbs appreciates you as much as the others but he does, and I do. You're the new kind of Agent, Tim, and one day, I think you'll be Director." She moved slightly taking a throw from the couch and gently draping it over him to keep him warm. "Goodbye McGee, take care of them."

She moved quicker to the door this time, and locked it up trying to hold the tears back. She was surprised at how much that one had bothered her, but McGee like the others had managed to worm his way into her heart and she was sorry she'd never get to see the day he became Gibbs' boss. _That'd be one heck of a sight._ She made her way back to the car, Matt standing ready to open the door and she sat down taking a deep breath.

"Any place else?"

"Two more and then we're done, I promise," she assured.

"Of course Director," Matt answered. "Where to?"

"Dr. Mallard's."

"You all right Director?"

"Yes, Matt, I'm fine," she lied gently. Matt nodded and started the car navigating it through the streets. They pulled into the stone home with the Morgan parked outside it and the lights off. Jenny carefully got out of her car fingering the key on the chain. She was about to insert the key into the lock when the door opened and she came face to face with the good doctor in his night robe.

"Jennifer."

"Ducky! I uh...was in the neighborhood," she tried.

"Hm...I was just about to let the dogs out, why don't you join me for a night cap." He opened the door and pushed the corgis out of the way.

"No thank you, I..."

"Jennifer," Ducky said sternly and she sighed entering the house slowly. "Now, what can I do for you Director?"

"We're back to Director?"

"You don't usually enjoy being called Jennifer."

"I think I'll take it over Director today, Ducky you know what's going on, I think that qualifies using my first name."

"Very well, what brings you by?"

"Nothing I was just...out for a drive, Matthew is nearly as bad as Gibbs with keep tabs on me."

"And the latter is getting worse I take it," Ducky guessed.

"Gibbs asked me if I had a health concern."

"He asked me the same," Ducky confessed.

"Ducky!"

"I said nothing, this is between you two."

"Thank you Ducky, I....I know this isn't easy to keep this a secret but I'm sure you can understand why it has to be so."

"Frankly my dear, I don't understand how you can keep this from him, especially knowing what you do."

"I'll...I'll tell him," she agreed. Ducky raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "I will! As soon as I get back, I'll tell him, I'm just....I don't think it will do a lot of good."

"Try not to use Dutch courage, just be honest with him."

"We haven't been honest with each other in a long time."

'Maybe its time to start, just don't write him a letter," Ducky suggested. She nodded standing up slowly cringing. "You've already done it."

"It's barely started, but I will tell him in person if you prefer." Ducky nodded. "Well, I've kept you up long enough, I'll see you when I get back," she said.

"All right then, good night Jennifer, safe flight," he said taking a sip of his tea. Before standing and walking her toward the door. She turned impulsively and kissed his cheek.

"You'll take care of him won't you?" She asked.

"Of course, how much trouble can he get into while you're gone for three days?"

"You never know," she laughed forcibly. "Goodbye Ducky." She turned out the door, dodging the corgis before getting back into the car and tell Matt where to go next. They pulled down a residential street next and Jenny watch the houses closely noting for any kind of light in the windows. She got out at the specific address and took a deep breath.

"Director," Matt began.

"Hm?"

"Calleigh lives just two streets over and I thought maybe..."

"Can you get a ride back to the car tomorrow?"

"She wouldn't mind."

"Off you go, then. Tell her I said hi."

"You sure you'll be all right."

"I'll be fine," she replied not sure if it was true at the moment.

"See you tomorrow." She nodded and watched as he got out and jogged off up the street. She turned to the door and took a deep breath. If he was awake they could talk about Decker and she was sure she could make him believe that all she wanted to do was reminisce as was tradition, nothing more. If he was asleep, well then perhaps she could get this all off her chest. She slowly turned the door handle not surprised to find it unlocked. She entered the dimly lit house and removed her heels to avoid detection. The key chain with the spares she'd been holding onto like a life line she left on his countertop next to the coffee maker. He wouldn't be able to miss them there. She moved to the living room finding it empty and turned to the basement. She opened the door as quietly as possible and slipped down the stairs to find some over head lights on. The boat, _The Kelly_, was coming along nicely and she affectionately ran her hand over it. She found Gibbs asleep underneath it, snoring ever so slightly that brought a smile to her face. She spotted the bourbon resting on the counter along with the magazine from a gun that she'd given him. That confession could wait, she decided as she carefully knelt under the boat and crawled into it beside him.

"Jethro," she called gently, seeing how asleep he really was. He barely twitched. She carefully lay herself down alongside him ignoring the pain in her joints as they protested the movement. "I know you don't believe in apologies, but I am sorry," she whispered trying to keep her tears at bay. "I did what I thought best, and perhaps career wise it was, but I know my heart hasn't been completely in it," she laughed bitterly. "How can it be when you still have it?" She asked. "I've accepted this reality Jethro, I know its not pretty, and I know it won't end pretty, but I've accepted it, and I know you'll fight it tooth and claw but please, just let it go. I lied in the elevator, but I couldn't tell you then."

She gently traced her hand along his face. She took a deep breath trying to hold back the tears in her eyes as she felt one escape. She sawed to keep her voice clear.

"I couldn't tell you when it mattered and now its too late, I'm going to do what I should have ten years ago, and you're not going to like it, but you'll understand eventually. You always do." She paused wiping a tear away. "I shouldn't be staying this long, but...I miss you Jethro, I always have, I just couldn't say it, and now I can't say it, or tell you anything. It wouldn't be fair for me to have what I want, just so you can loose everything later," She took another deep breath. "I'll keep Tony and Ziva safe, they'll be there for you, don't be so hard on them."

She leaned closer memorizing the image before her. She felt his breath on her lips as she inched forward and felt tears slide down her cheeks.

"I love you." She let her lips close the distance briefly before pulling away. "Goodbye Jethro," she whispered before standing and scurrying out the back door taking care to keep it from slamming. She never saw his eyes open.

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_**Author's Note: I would be willing to write a follow up to this, but that would depend on what you all think. **_


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